Welcome to the department of mental hypochondria. I may be the only patient. Mental hypochondria is like physical hypochondria, except it occurs when I read about personality disorders and instantly begin examining myself for psychopathy or narcissistic personality disorder.

I diagnosed myself with the latter during college, courtesy of a friend's copy of the DSM-III. (That's what we used to do before we had the internet, she said brightly.) As it happens, I was going through a brief stint of nice but unhelpful therapy for the eating disorder I no longer had.

[Typical conversation:

Me: Why do you have so many tissues in here?
Her: You really don't have any idea, do you?
Me: Nooooooo . . . .
Her: It never occurred to you that anyone might come into a therapy session and cry?
Me: Ooooooooh. (pause) Really? People cry?

As you can see, I was not a good fit with therapy.]

Anyway, I mentioned to the therapist that I thought I might have narcissistic personality disorder. She smiled. Then she chuckled.

Perhaps I looked offended. She tried very hard, and failed, to straighten her face.

"Sam," she said, "the first rule of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that if you think you might have it, you don't have it.

Apparently, I am also not a psychopath. You probably guessed that because I have, like, a job. But it's nice to know.

Unfortunately, looking all this up, I have reinflamed my curiousity about possible NPD. For example:

Some narcissists are flamboyantly boastful and self-aggrandizing, but many are inconspicuous in public, saving their conceit and autocratic opinions for their nearest and dearest. Common conspicuous grandiose behaviors include expecting special treatment or admiration on the basis of claiming (a) to know important, powerful or famous people or (b) to be extraordinarily intelligent or talented.

I don't think I have a flamboyantly high opinion of myself--on the contrary, I think I have a rather accurate, if not accepting, assessment of my own flaws. On the other hand, I think I am smarter than almost everyone I know. I believe that this is just an honest appraisal of my talents: I am smart, I am not a very good artist. But presumably, all narcissists think they are just making an honest appraisal of their own (considerable) gifts.

Sigh. I am going to have to confine my reading to prostate disorders. I'm pretty sure I don't have one of those.